Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Lack of Ducks in a Messy Row

Well, unless God (or little MB) has plans of His own, it looks like we'll be meeting our son this next Tuesday! My OB just called and we are set to induce the day after Labor Day. Ironic that I'd be going into labor on Labor Day week. I'm excited. Nervous. Relieved. Terrified. Labor Day weekend has been a really hard weekend the last several years. Something devastating always happens. My little dog Henry died a few years ago. My friend Marla lost her entire world to Katrina the year after that. Then last year, the worst yet. The pessimist in me can't help but wonder...

Stop. I must have Faith that God will bless.

You know, it's funny. Most often we pray for answers. Concrete answers. Answers that would satisfy our curiosity, answers that would allow us to prepare better. And nine times out of ten, God does not give us those answers. I've never understood why, because doesn't He know that I function better when I know what's coming down the path? :-)

I've heard over the years that He doesn't always provide answers, because the answer is FAITH. That we should have FAITH that whatever happens has already been filtered through His loving hands...that nothing happens without His knowledge or forethought. That He will provide strength and a deliverance no matter what the situation. A hard lesson for us Type A's that prefer to have all our ducks in a row before something starts. But I'm very, very slowly "getting it." And this is one of those situations that kind drives the lesson home. I've always wanted to know EXACTLY when our son would arrive. And now that I have a fairly concrete answer, I'm kinda freakin' out about it.

Will we have the nursery done?
Will my project at work get completed in time?
Will I be able to get a pedicure or haircut in time? Like that matters!?
Will he decide to come sooner?
Will my water break in public?
Will we get to the hospital in time?
Will the delivery go okay?
Will it be a vaginal delivery or C-section?

Up until that phone call today, I've had a relative peace about MB arriving when he arrives. Please note I said "relative, not "constant". But all in all, I was really okay with not knowing. Now that I know, I think I'm more stressed out.

*big sigh*

I think that sometimes God gives me exactly what I want, so that I'm reminded that His knowledge of what's going to happen is what matters. Not mine. I guess I should get better about NOT knowing and just letting Him take care of me. So much to learn y'all. And here I am about to embark on one of the biggest teaching experiences of my life: parenthood. How can something be so exciting and so terrifying at the same time? And after all these years of dying for a child, how is it that I suddenly feel so ill-prepared to care for one? I feel a bit like I'm in an open doorway of a high-flying plane and I just have to believe that I've been provided a parachute without knowing for sure.

Thank you Father for teaching me that it's okay to not have my ducks in a row. That the lack of ducks and the lack of a neat row is a reminder that YOU are in control and that's what matters. Please guide us in rearing this child. Please don't let me forget that he is YOUR child, only on loan to us. I thank you so much for the opportunity, but now that it's here I'm a little scared. Please give us the peace beyond all understanding that you equip the called, not call the equipped. I feel very ill-equipped suddenly, so I'm trusting that You have a special plan for this baby that will overcome anything I could do to screw it up.

A year ago this weekend, I had no idea what blessings would be in store for our lives. But I trusted that you'd not forget me - and you haven't. Thank you for Your Grace and your Faithfulness. Thank you for loving us so much and not forgetting us.

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