Baby Dreams

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child.

~ Sophia Loren, Women and Beauty





Boy, isn't that the truth?

I think Monkey woke up about 3:00/3:30 his morning…I can’t really remember now. He was just fussy at first, but eventually really crying and calling "Momma" like he was scared. I went into his room and patted the mattress and he immediately lay back down, but he didn’t really go back to sleep. I sat on the floor next to him for awhile, with my arm in the crib slat rubbing his back. He kept coughing and I could hear his nose sniffling. Every now and then his head would pop up and he’d go, “Nose, nose”, which he says when he wants to blow his nose. So I’d get a tissue and wipe it. He’d lie back down, but still not fall asleep. I knew as soon as I left he was going to cry, so I finally lied down next to his crib on some pillows. His request for a tissue happened three or four times over the course of an hour. At that point, I was getting really uncomfortable on the floor, so I scooped him up and took him into the living room with me, where we snuggled on Daddy’s recliner. He eventually went to sleep, but by then I was wide awake.

Two times after that, he’d wake up crying. Hard. He’d been dreaming of something bothersome. I’d always pat his arm or rub his cheek and snuggle him tight, so he’d known Momma was there. He’d turn his head into my chest and eventually his breathing would even out. Monkey is not a snuggler at all anymore, so the resentment over the lack of precious sleep disappeared. I knew this sweet moment was fleeting and in my sleepy stupor, started a prayer of thanksgiving. It's hard for me to think of anything anymore without this child on the fringes of my mind. It's like I'm perpetually distracted from work, home, sleeping...strange.

The last time he cried, it took awhile for him to settle. He cried so hard in his dream that he had that after-cry hiccup, in spite of still being asleep. It was so sad! I realize it’s a part of human nature, but I really hate that he has bad dreams. What on earth could be so awful that his tiny subconscious brain would make him dream and hiccup cry? I suddenly realized that the maternal instinct in me wants to protect him from every harm out there, real or imagined. We snuggled for a little while longer and eventually both fell into deep sleeps. I woke up again about 5:15 or so because he was stirring. I could tell he was getting uncomfortable in my arms and needed to really lie down, so I took him back to his bed.

When he finally woke up at the usual time, he was crabby and fussy while we got ready for work. All morning he was throwing tantrums or just out and out crying in misery. We were late rising, so unfortunately, Momma didn’t have enough time to really soothe or patience enough to be tender. Today he’s at N’s mom’s and I’m so glad. He’ll get loved on, explore and play to his heart’s content. His needs are never impatiently handled with Gramma…she is sweet, devoted and Monday’s are always about whatever he wants. What are Gramma’s for, right? When I called a little while ago, Gramma C said he was fine. Not fussy, not anything but curious, playful and sweet, like he always is. I was glad. Sometimes we all just wake up on the wrong side of the bed, even when we’re little people.

You know, even with tough mornings like this morning, I am just so in love with this little boy. While my impatient side is breathing a sigh of relief as he climbs into the car with Daddy this morning, my heart is craving him back in my arms as soon as he’s out of my sight and reach. If there is a cure for being this in love, I don’t even want it. I am perfectly content to be whole-heartedly distracted by this child!